After we're done having sex, I give the prerequisite time allotted of lying next to him, but then I want to get up and get on with my life. He reaches out to me and says, “Don't you want to snuggle?” He wants to lay his head on my chest and listen to my heartbeat, to clasp my hands in his big ones and gaze into my eyes and I just.... well, I don't have orgasms from sex anyway (just masterbastion), so I kind of view it as just another fun and occasionally borderline-painful thing that we do.
Yall, what happened to me? I always wanted a tender man, but now that I've got one…
I hate to disclose this kind of information, or even mention it because I like to think my mom's choices in husbands didn't affect me at all, but our stepfather was an abusive man. I rarely saw it myself, but I would hear them fighting at night. I've only been hit in anger by a man a few times, all on one night—-that was the ex boyfriend long long ago. He busted me up pretty good, and I hate him still with a passion. Yet... in some way, I respond better to violence than I do to tenderness. I'm baffled with tenderness. I don't knoe what to do with it. During fucky-times I've encouraged Mr R to whip me with his belt, but he gets this weird look in his eyes, part fear like he's wondering if I'm damaged (shut up, I'm not) and part sadness. The sadness really gets me.
Now that things are going suspiciously good between us, I can even feel myself growing harsh towards him, wanting to pick a fight, wanting to self-sabotage the relationship because I want him to get angry at me, to yell at me, to grab my wrists and hold me down and hurt me. Why am I so sick? I don't feel like I'm comfortable with a man who has such a gentle voice. Is it because in some way I don't feel like I deserve kindness? Or am I just, in fact, damaged? Most of my sexual fantasies involve, in some way, domination and forceful submission. Although I am the aggressor sexually, always initiating, and certainly in such tight control of my own life personally, maybe that's why I go to the opposite end in my fantasies. I don't think I have the fantasy of being raped, that's fucking painful yall, but I do want him to turn to me for once, grab me and throw me down on the bed, rip my shirt off and bite my shoulder and neck, growling how he's going to make me his woman. I need some animal connection, certainly, that kind of passionate romance most girls imagine at some point in their life. I know for all practical purposes, the tender and caring man is the one we should go with to procreate—-as he will be the caring father, the caregiver if we are in need (he wont just dump our ailing asses ) and less likely to fuck you up financially by like, syphoning your bank account or something. He's trustworthy. And I love that, I really do, but...
Our fear response is activated every time we raise our voices to eachoter, every time someone fights. That raised level of fear increases our heart-rate and our adrenaline, giving a dizzying sort of high and excitement. I know this cognitively, logically, so I talk myself down from the ledge of relationship-breaking fights. I know there is something in me that wants to be hurt physically by him because either I feel I deserve it or because it excites the little girl in me who still views her stepfather as a man she admires and loves.
God, am I really this cliche?
I guess what I'm trying to say is I know I have the choice whether or not to act on these feelings. Just like you can choose to eat that last piece of cake, or to steal from someones open purse. I CHOOSE to restrain these sick feelings, but that doesn't make the urges go away. It's hard even to write about because I feel myself wanting to slip into the fantasy of being hurt by him—-but a fantasy is all it is. When I was actually hurt, it was no fantasy at all. There was blood, there was a lot of crying, there was broken teeth. My world was shattered, crashing down around my ears. I saw it happen with my mother do, so I will not I WILL NOT recreate those bad relationhsip habits with Mr R.
DETERMINED peoples, determined.
No comments:
Post a Comment